Why Judgment Causes Anxiety and What We Can Do to Manage It

Throughout our lives, judgment has played a crucial, and often painful, role in our relationships.  Many of us have experiences of avoiding certain people or situations, for fear of being scrutinized or judged.  It’s normal and healthy to care about what others think of us to some extent, but sometimes the fear of judgment can keep isolated or make us feel terrible about ourselves. Through understanding judgment, we can improve our relationships with others as well as our understanding of ourselves. Let’s look at how judgment interacts with anxiety and learn some strategies for managing this distress.

 Why do we fear judgment from others?

 It is evolutionarily advantageous to care about what others think of us. Thousands of years ago, a human’s survival was dependent on their acceptance into a group. If others like us/value us, they will share resources like food, shelter, and protection from environmental threats. When we take notice of negative feedback or feel shame, this compels us to change our behavior to remain accepted by the group. We are wired to be on alert for others’ judgments.

 These days, however, we do not just fear the judgment of our intimate tribe. With global communication and social media, we are targets of anyone who has access to the internet. Any shortcoming can be shared with the world in a matter of seconds. The risk of our character being questioned, the world seeing us fail, or being picked apart for our mistakes feels like a near constant threat—potentially contributing to a chronic state of anxiety.

 If judgment feels so bad, why then, do we judge others?

 Just as we are wired to notice judgement, we are also wired to judge others. Both serve as a form of self-protection. We pass judgment on others with and without intention, with the purposes of protecting our own vulnerabilities.  Part of overcoming the distress of judgment in an interaction is separating “our stuff” from “their stuff.”

 Typically the areas of judgment we fear the most are the things about ourselves we care most about. If we value being seen as hard-working, physically fit, financially stable, honest, intelligent, or the funniest person in the room, we will feel a harder hit if/when those characteristics are questioned. Oftentimes these core areas developed in childhood around what was often praised and therefore made us feel valuable. Think back to your early life, what was praised? Achievement, intelligence, athletic ability, manners/politeness, physical appearance? We take these expectations of ourselves into adulthood and believe that everyone MUST view us in this way at all times. Over time, these become our biggest insecurities, or in other words, characteristics about ourselves we will be more likely to protect.

 So, two things are true: We are more likely to take criticism hard if it’s an area of insecurity for us. We are more likely to judge others if it’s an area of insecurity for us.

 For example, when we see someone at our job who is more successful than us, we may automatically make judgments that undermine their success so our own success feels less threatened. We may point out flaws in their performance, criticize their attitude, or believe that they had special treatment. Anything that softens the anxiety blow for us.

What can we do about it?

 When we own “our stuff” in the interaction, we are better able to provide others with genuine helpful feedback over negative critical judgment. (If we all did this, think about how much easier our social interactions would be!)

 Exchanges of judgment can be an opportunity to notice our own unhelpful styles of thinking. In cognitive behavioral therapy, these are known as “thinking errors” or “cognitive distortions.” They are normal and natural traps for the human brain to fall into, but it helps us if we learn to recognize what our typical patterns are. Some examples include: Catastrophizing (thinking the worst outcome is most likely outcome), Minimizing the Good (mistakes are exaggerated and strengths are ignored), and All-or-Nothing thinking (everything is absolute, one or the other)

 For a full list of Cognitive Distortions, click here: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/cognitive-distortions

 Let’s take a look at some cognitive errors that could exist in instances of judgment:

-       I must perform perfectly at all times or I am failure.

-       There is one way that is universally the best and all other ways are wrong.

-       If someone judges one aspect of me, they are judging all of me.

-       When someone gives me criticism, it means they must hate me.

-       If someone performs better than me, it means I am less skilled.

-       When I am given feedback, it means I did something wrong.

-       If someone notices a mistake, it means I’m incompetent.

When we can identify our own unhelpful patterns of thinking, we can have awareness of when our own stuff comes up in social interactions. Noticing how we may begin to feel defensive when a certain topic comes up, or times we feel compelled to “hit back” after someone makes a comment about us.  When we own our need for self-protection in these moments, we are better able to provide others with genuine, constructive feedback, rather than volleying the judgment right back.  

 How can we manage judgment in the real world?

 It is very empowering to develop our own shield and have a say in what we do with judgment from other people. We are not in charge of what others throw at us, but we do have a say in what we do with it. Here are some steps to manage judgment in real time:

 1.     Tend to your body: We will feel social threats in our bodies first as this naturally will cause a fight/flight/freeze response in the amygdala in the brain. Take a moment to tune into this automatic body response: Do you notice: a shortness of breath, a “heat” in your face or chest, tightening of muscle groups? This is meant to protect you by signaling a threat, but instead we need to quiet this impulse so we can tune into our rational brain. Try to counter the response: Stretch your muscles, deepen your breath, drink a cold glass of water. Learn to tend to your body first.

 2.     Become curious: Once you feel physically settled, explore what came up for you and why that protective response happened.  Is this an area of insecurity for me? Did this person’s judgment of me tap into something I’m deeply concerned about in myself? Am I valuing what this person thinks of me over what I think of myself? Was this judgment passive aggressive? Do I trust the person who gave me this criticism didn’t mean to intentionally cause me harm?  In therapy we call this “The Observer Self”, where we attempt to take a bit of a distance from our thoughts and feelings, observe them as is, instead of being overly connected to them.  

3.     Take action to heal:  Anxiety can be described as energy for a challenge, so decide what action this judgment can propel you to take.  Maybe that’s prioritizing your own mental wellness: identifying your own cognitive errors, exploring core emotional wounds, or seeking professional help to diagnose an underlying mental health disorder that contributes to the intensity of this experience (therapy can help with all of these!). Other times maybe it’s helpful to call out the judger in a way that feels right to you, “Hey, that comment felt judgmental to me. Is that how you meant it?” or “I heard you saying this negative thing about me and I didn’t appreciate that.” Confrontation can feel scary, but it can be a necessary form of self-protection and improve our relationships.

 While I wish there was a way to move through life without being impacted by judgment (think of how much easier middle school would have been!), there is a way we can use the understanding of judgment to deepen our understanding of ourselves, how we interact with others, and our own inner dialogue. Hopefully, if many of us commit to doing this work, our social spaces will improve and our world will be a less anxious place.

Written by Rennie Volpe, MA LPC